*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Swedish for common sense.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.