Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is