professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.