We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@mdob11: "Cheer up", I say, curing someone of depression.
@BonaFideIntent: I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
@JohnLyonTweets: [on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
@UncleDuke1969: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
@julezmac: "People want to drink a panic attack." -- inventor of 5 Hour Energy
@take2skw: I use words like "acquiesce" and "ubiquitous" in daily conversation and then I throw in a "for reals yo" just to stay mysterious.