Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Cheer up you won’t be single forever. One day you’ll die
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Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature