@ShockTartBionic
@Six_Pack_Mom
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
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@Six_Pack_Mom
@Brampersandon_
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
@bingowings14
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
@therealeatwood
CASHIER: Your total is $18.54
ME: A fine year!
CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it
@linkindrinkin
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
@JeffCoen
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
@yassinovic89
What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
@MaryKoCo
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
@Slygirl08
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
@SarcasticSadOne
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.