@ShockTartBionic

Cheer up you won’t be single forever. One day you’ll die

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@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

@Brampersandon_

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

@therealeatwood

CASHIER: Your total is $18.54

ME: A fine year!

CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it

@linkindrinkin

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

@JeffCoen

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

@Slygirl08

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*