Cheer up you won’t be single forever. One day you’ll die

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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)


[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket


CASHIER: Your total is $18.54

ME: A fine year!



professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low


What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.


*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*


*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*