When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
The old gods are rising again.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.