Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Cheer up you won’t be single forever. One day you’ll die
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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
CASHIER: Your total is $18.54
ME: A fine year!
CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.