Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Going into Monday like
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?