Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Saturday
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is