Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
opening twitter today
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!