If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
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*Seductively hides in the woods
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
What’s so funny?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.