Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe