Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place