@RodLacroix

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

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@itsrealTED

“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.

@Havish_AF

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

@jackmackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

@roxiqt

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

@clichedout

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

@Trudacious

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

@LaceyNycole

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

@drearydoug

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

@ch000ch

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know