“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
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Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me: can u buy me a drink
If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know