Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

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“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.


Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.


I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.


If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?


me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot



me: can u buy me a drink


You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.


When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”


At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.


ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know