Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
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*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
three things we don’t talk about
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.