@CulturedRuffian

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

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@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

@Ygrene

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

@neonwario

I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”

@eliyudin

ME: So I… was never invisible?
JAIL DOCTOR: No. That’s why you’re in jail

@jimSarbh

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

@MarcusTheToken

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

@jackiembouvier

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.