Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler