[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.