Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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I don’t want to say I’m na茂ve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Every time I think I鈥檝e got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Yeah. This was me today.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
is this how new cars are made??
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you鈥檙e a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen鈥檚 show, who sees me walking onto ellen鈥檚 show*
both me鈥檚: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
wow he looks just like him
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 馃檨
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you鈥檝e exceeded your rate limit
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
those birds must be on payroll
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that鈥檚 the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary