Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Anime is real
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.