chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE

assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?

other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again

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I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it ‘cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.


My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.


My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album


I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.


My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.


idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page


Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance


I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.