wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
the three branches of government
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?