@70Ceeks

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

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@broodingYAhero

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

@peachesanscream

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@MarfSalvador

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@BuglegsMcWalshy

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

@TheIronSherk

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

@iwearaonesie

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

@jackiembouvier

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

@SteveKoehler22

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

@MrSandeepP

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.