Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.