Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
You Might Also Like
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.