slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
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13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters