[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]
Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work
[third snooze button]
Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower
[tenth snooze button]
What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america
Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, “Honey, I can’t afford to hear about your day.”
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If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
How to propose marriage:
1. Drive to bridge
2. Jump off
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.