Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Wake me when AI does housework
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.