nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
me: clean your room
(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*
And now we wait.
Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet