@MrFornicator

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

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@dannyschof81

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

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@panmidwest

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

@_Tempo11

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

@HomeWithPeanut

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

@junejuly12

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

@EricGoldie

Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”

@DrunksWithGuns

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

@iwearaonesie

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet