Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
peak technology
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return