Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.