Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

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Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.


me: siri tell me a joke

siri: *turns on front facing camera*


if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat


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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV


“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”


Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.


[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER


Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.