@Hobo_Splendido

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

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@TheTweetOfGod

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

@thatUPSdude

*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles

@CryptoNature

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

@KimmyMonte

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

@TheMichaelRock

Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.

@Los01001111

I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.

@Book_Krazy

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

@LDLevesque

Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.

@Matt_The_1st

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

@AaronFullerton

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”