When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
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*at a casino*
Me: How much are these chips worth?
Dealer: Sir those are Pringles
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.
I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”