Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
You Might Also Like
me: siri tell me a joke
siri: *turns on front facing camera*
if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat
Steps for reading articles:
1. Accept cookies
2. Block notifications
3. Deny location to website
4. Decline invitation to subscribe
5. Stop auto-playing video ads/mute sound
6. Dismiss reminder of free articles remaining
7. Shrink drop down banner
8. Click “read more”
9. Give up
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Godspeed, John Glenn
“I killed a man”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.