Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.

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