@Hobo_Splendido

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

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@Tyek000n

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

@Ms612

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@liv_thatsme

I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.

@clichedout

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

@PaulGibson1963

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

@koalaslament

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

@PsychoCesc

The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.