@Hobo_Splendido

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

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@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

@Lisabug74

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

@EmoPhilips

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

@DadandBuried

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

@Brampersandon_

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

@girl_a_whirl

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

@iamspacegirl

The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.