
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
me: siri tell me a joke
siri: *turns on front facing camera*
if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat
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9. Give up
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Godspeed, John Glenn
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.