Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s