when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby