Loan me a couple bucks?
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
Can I even pay with these?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”
J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.