Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no