@Brampersandon_ Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
@amishschool Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
You Might Also Like
@Brampersandon_ 
@junejuly12 That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
@AmishPornStar1 How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
@KylePlantEmoji Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
@Iwriteforcats James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
@Amusitr0n *Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
@Cpin42 Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
@pixelatedboat Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
@Michael_Erhart “Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
@_Kim_Jongun How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.