Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

You Might Also Like


Loan me a couple bucks?
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
Can I even pay with these?


That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.



Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?


James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”


“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”


*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*


Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.


Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die


“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”


How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.