@DrakeGatsby Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
@amishschool Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
- @amishschool
funnytweeter.comYou Might Also Like
@DrakeGatsby 
@ThugRaccoons Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
@theshamingofjay My nights
50% sleeping
50% avoiding getting up to pee
@FredTaming “these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
@Parkerlawyer If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
@DamonHunzeker Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
@ibid78 [plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]
@EwinsEamon Overheard greasy spoon cafe wisdom:
“You don’t wash your hands. You stand and watch your hands wash each other.”
Think on.
@DaddyBeerGuy Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
@Holy_Mowgli me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin