@amishschool

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

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@Tylerosis

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

@ElleOhHell

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

@dlicj

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

@keatingthomas

They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.