@amishschool

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

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@Brampersandon_

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

@junejuly12

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

@KylePlantEmoji

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

@Iwriteforcats

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

@Amusitr0n

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

@Cpin42

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

@pixelatedboat

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

@Michael_Erhart

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

@_Kim_Jongun

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.