Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords