Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.