@radtoria

[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD

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@tsm560

Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”

@rudy_mustang

God: then you become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yeah lol the “rest”

Caterpillar: how long

God:

Caterpillar: how long God

@Holy_Mowgli

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

@GoldenSpirals

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

@moose_chocolate

A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.

@TheTrueCam

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

@caithuls

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s