Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
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yes, those are my real potatoes.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to