Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”
[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD
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God: then you become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yeah lol the “rest”
Caterpillar: how long
Caterpillar: how long God
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one
Mouth: Haven gice done
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.