Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
i was baptized in a car wash
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay