Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
how it started vs how it ended