Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all


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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?


[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me


There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.


Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?


13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.


Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.


I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit


Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!