Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
it’s either covid or clever vampires
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Ovenable?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.