@BadassBarbie11

Chicken Pot Pie sounds like a delicious 3 course meal.

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@Julian_Deane

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

@Ristolable

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

@dildointherough

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

@cray_at_home_ma

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

@sluuttyyy

you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between

@djdarrellripley

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

@ElKnuckelhombre

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

@E_lok44

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience