With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Chicken Pot Pie sounds like a delicious 3 course meal.
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Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
*puts up window and drives away
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience