I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.