Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
JAMES BLUNT: You stink
JAMES TACTFUL: I bought you this perfume
I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.