@michaeljdawson

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

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@BillyYvonne

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

@MandiAtRandom

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

@JessObsess

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

@sammyrhodes

Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.

@clindsaysway

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

@Phook75

I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger

@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

@Dadsbustednuts

I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.