Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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OH. COME. ON.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
🤣could you imagine
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!