Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Always
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.