@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

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@Xoolun

I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.

And all I did was sign up.

@3sunzzz

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@prufrockluvsong

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

@Brentweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

@AaronFullerton

USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
Nachos: “Nothing.”

@kieransofar

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

@_alyssa0911

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?