chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Whoa 😂
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Ha
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.