@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

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@Brentweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

@butterwolf

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

@BobGolen

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

@VikingBut

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@HatfieldAnne

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

@somelightcrying

Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now

@Gooooats

By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.

@ComedicBust

When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.