I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.
And all I did was sign up.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?