chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…