Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
The biggest mystery of our time
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
It’s an epidemic…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.