chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
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[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I WON A HAM TODAY