@KeetPotato

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

You Might Also Like

@FadeAway2

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

@_Bluntsage

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

@MartaEffing

I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it’s the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

@wilnettleton

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

@IrishVin

My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants.

@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@GrillinChillin9

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

@XplodingUnicorn

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

@QwertyJones3

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

@plank_sinatra

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed