chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team


*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*


I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it’s the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.


“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?


My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants.


me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again


Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know


The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.


I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.


What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed