Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Ah..makes sense now
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?