Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there