CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
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The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Not helping
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.