Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The Weeknd is back
The French cow says MEUX…
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
From my Mom
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?