chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
You Might Also Like
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.