CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Stick it to the man
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Cucumbers Anonymous
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*