CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I think I’ll stand
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.