CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

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ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin

BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over


Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas


“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard


HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato


her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem


me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked


No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.


Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money