Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly