everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]