@ItsAndyRyan

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

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@PrisonCookies

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

@AHundredElbows

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

@rantingmd

getting sick of watching movies where johnny depp dresses like a hobo. I blame him for russel brand

@ThugRaccoons

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

@FeelingEuphoric

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

@zdarsky

I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

@truegritrumble

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*