@ItsAndyRyan

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

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@jonnysun

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

@JohnnyCrash5

If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.

@Mostly_Cheese

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

@ddsmidt

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

@Freudianscript

I’m not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it’s the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.

@briancthayer

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

@AndrewNadeau0

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

@thatfinguy

Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.

@3sunzzz

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

@roadkill3x

Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.