@ItsAndyRyan

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

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@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@sonictyrant

Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?

@junejuly12

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

@Bluestmoon_

NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider.

You’re welcome.

@DiabeetusNurse

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

@buttgh0st

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@thedad

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

@junejuly12

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

@WritePlay

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

@CheeseDaydreams

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose