*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

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We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.


Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?


Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out


NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider.

You’re welcome.


This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.


frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone


Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on


me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash


Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –


I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose