*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me recordaron éste meme
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google